I Wanted to Quit: Trying to Do it All
You ever find yourself just going through the motions? Personally, I've been there. Over the last 3 months I have been masking the super dark and negative space I keep finding myself in to maintain a lifeless "going through the motions" phase. Truth is, I have been BURNT OUT y'all; physically, mentally, and spiritually. And if I've learned anything during this time, it is that I CANNOT DO IT ALL!
Yep. Simple as that. This is not a shocking revolution or super insightful advice people! Just me stating the facts. If we are all being honest with ourselves, NO ONE can do it all. As much as I think it is great that we live an in era where we push ourselves to be Grade-A multi-taskers, I also believe us millennials stay DOING THE MOST! To expand, I really think we have taken the whole "being a boss" thing too far. My observation of the definition a boss has come to this: Kick butt at work + relationships + work out schedule & diet + spiritual/religious goals + everything else. To think we can give our 100% to all those things is atrocious.
I say this because I am a walking example of doing the MOST. A great strength of mine is that I love to give. I often give my time and energy to people without even needing to think about it. While this is a great attribute, it is also often my downfall when it comes to my health. This is because I often allow people to take and take and take from me until I have nothing left to give.
As a result of this recklessness, I have been battling with feelings of hurt and lifelessness because I stretched myself too thin trying to make EVERYONE happy. Ultimately, I robbed myself of joy in the process and became isolated with my pain and shut everything and everyone out.
It has been so hard climbing out of the darkness, depression, and major anxiety. I have experienced more tough days than good ones. So it is difficult to open up about this because well it's DEPRESSING!
Many times I attempted typing up a post and thought to myself, "This is so pointless. Who's gonna care anyway? It's not like I have any ASTOUNDING optimistic steps to share". It was not until after getting this off my chest with a friend that I realized my thinking was cray-cray. My friend enlightened me to just speak the truth! Then I thought about something I heard 2 months ago, "God uses our most vulnerable and inconvenient times and sees them as our biggest opportunities".
Hearing that, assured me that I was being hard on myself for not being perfect. This "perfect inspiring post" idea I had in my mind was actually uninspiring because it was unrealistic. So here I am sharing the REAL with y'all. I wanted to do this for my own growth and for those of you out there who are also having a hard time being optimistic about what God is trying to do in your life.
More days than not, me and God and do not see eye to eye y'all! My hard-headed self still tries to fight the fact that I am not some dark chocolate and curvy version of Jesus with the powers to prosper all by my lonesome in life! I have accepted that I am forever a work in progress.
I have also accepted that there is no possible way I can make EVERYONE happy because even my best will NEVER be enough for people. I recently learned to be okay with this because it DOES NOT determine my personal value at all. Striving to be the best version of myself and like the image of God does!
I thank you all for letting me be transparent with you about my journey. Please know that you do not have to be alone in yours either! As I fight my battle with mental illness, I consider myself blessed to have a super supportive husband, some great go-to friends I feel safe with, and several mentors who help me get a better grip on life. It is possible to kick butt in life when you have accepted that you cannot be #PerfectBoss/Spouse/Fitness/Diet/EverythingElseGoals all the time because even the biggest bosses need help to achieve success.
Jean Shirt: $5, Thrift Giant
Dress: Is a Hand-Me-Down
Glasses: $5, Plato's Closet
Purse: $3, Thrift Giant
Shoes: $10, Old Navy